Daily Sketch

Hello, my name is Penelope. I’m going to have to streamline the intro a little because I am in the middle of the Gauntlet.

What’s the Gauntlet? You ask.

Hang on a sec. And... Now we jump. Jump again. Duck. Now hug the wall. Keep hugging. All right, we’ve got a bit of a run ahead of us now. You’re going to have to go a little faster than that. Yeah. That’s Holy Water. Oh, don’t mind the screams. Those are just some of my ex-suitors.

Let’s stop here for a moment. Yeah, catch your breath. Oh, don’t worry about them. They’re lungs are going to finish dissolving in a few seconds, then they’ll be much quieter. Trust me.

Where was I? Oh yeah. The Gauntlet. Well, here’s the deal. Vampires have some very regressive inheritance laws. Yeah. The thing is, when the average vampire has a lifespan of centuries, it’s a lot harder to push through new ideas, like, maybe a gal can run a kingdom without tripping over her own ovaries. That sort of thing. 

OK, I’d love to keep talking, but that garlic is starting to sizzle and if that steam hits me, I’m going to look like those goopy puddles back there. Yes, those are Egyptian Asps, good eye. Oh, yeah, you’re not going to want to let them bite you. It gives Vampires a really bad case of the runs, but on a regular old human that’s going to mess you up in a whole different way. 

Now, the trick with the swinging swords is, don’t let them decapitate you. No, I’m just kidding. Well, no, that is very good advice, obviously, but there’s actually a pattern to them. But, now that I think about it, you’d have to overclock that little human brain of yours to get the timing right so I’m just going to chuck you. 

Oh, stop being a baby. I threw you right into, oh yeah, that is quick sand, isn’t it? Well first of all, stop panicking. All that flailing about is only going to make you sink faster. No, there’s no convenient vine. I am not diving in after you. These shoes are seven hundred years old! You can’t get Italian leather like this anymore. Not after the Chinese taught them how to make noodles.

Look, calm down, I’m going to get you out of there. There’s going to be a severed appendage falling right there in three, two, Perfect!

What are you whining about? I gave you the non-bloody half. I’ve got to get through this hallway in the next forty seconds or a big boulder’s going to turn both of us into pancakes. Actually, yeah, it might just push you all the way into the quicksand.

There you go. That’s it. And we’re running. Here, I’m going to need to hoist you up a bit or you will be crushed. 

There. That’s better. We’ve got another breather here for just a second. Oh, this sand, it just gets everywhere, doesn’t it? Yeah, you mind taking a step back. A little more. No, I don’t mind if you get sand on me. Well, yes, I do mind a little. But actually, no, the real reason I had you back up is, oh, there it is. Wow, you’d have been split right in half if you hadn’t listened to me. Yeah, like the grossest sandwich falling open. Hey, get it? Sandwich. Ah, I, kill myself. Well, not literally, That’s kind of the whole point of this.

As I was saying. Can’t rule the vampires without the old sturm und drang, know what I’m saying? And since I’m the only heir, and vampire reproductive rates being what they are, I’m only a Regent of sorts until we can get a Y Chromosome up in this kingship. Thing is, I’m allowed to invoke a Trial by Courtship, as it were. I run this gauntlet every day with anyone who wants to be King, and whoever can beat me to the end gets the crown. And me, I guess.

How many times have I run it? Well, I don’t want to brag, but I’m coming up on two thousand. Honestly, at this point, it’s like flossing or finding a decent vein to open in a human. Just one of those tedious chores you gotta do before you can get on with the rest of their day.

Yes, we are almost at the end. Which does bring us to a bit of a sticky point. Well, yes, I mean, technically you are a male, and I can’t have you actually beating me. But, no, I meant, ooh, yeah, that we were literally at a sticky point. Yeah. Went right up through your bowels, looks like. No, I don’t think you’re going to walk this one off. But you got so close! You could have been king of the vampires. That’ll be something to tell the lads down... or up! You know, wherever you go. You don’t mind if I take you with me, though, do you? All this talking has worked up quite the appetite and I think I could get several good swallows out of you before you turn septic.